Life goes on

Warning: this might cause tears, I know it did when I wrote it.
I put my cat, Gracie to sleep yesterday morning and it has been much harder than I ever expected it to be.  It is really hard for me to accept the fact that life is supposed to go on without her here.  All of my daily routines either involved her or she was there for.  I am having a hard time being in my house without her there and at this point cannot imagine a weekend of reading and doing schoolwork without her on my bed next to me.  I printed readings today and just kept thinking but how am I supposed to sit on my bed and read these without her there with me. 
Gracie had her fair share of problems.  I only had her in my life for three years and she had numerous vet visits and surgery during this time.  She was my million dollar baby and had many accidents outside of her littler box.  But she was there with me everyday for the past three years.  Her face or butt were usually the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing I saw at night.  She always came in to get pet while I used the bathroom and she was always there when I opened the shower curtain waiting for her turn to get in when I was done.  She was at my backdoor when I came home from work and she was on the couch next to me every night.  I am having a hard time being at home because I expect her to be there everywhere I look and I hope to see her.  I had the realization today that I will never see her again and I couldn't keep it together. 
I feel like I don't have a reason to go home any more and it was comforting that when I made decisions I made them for two.  Whether it was if I was going to go out after work or stop home or when I was going to pick up food and litter, I feel like she was always a part of my decision making.  I hate the idea of having to make decisions for only myself. 
In the end she had kidney disease on top of her already hurt bottom.  She had lost a lot of weight and was down to around 5lbs.  She was skin and bones but I had a hard time seeing it.  I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for having to make the decision to put her to sleep.  I have never been completely and solely in charge of a living thing before and I really wish I would have been able to push this decision off on someone else.  The people that knew her and me have completely supported my decision but the guilt is heavy and hard to bear. 
I just keep thinking of when I first got here and I just kept looking over and thinking "it is you and me."  The knowledge that I wasn't alone in this world made the past three years much easier.  I have not been in a relationship in the past three years nor have I had much stability.  She was there as my reminder that I was not completely alone and she needed me to keep it together.  Now I just keep wondering how I am going to go on alone.  I know that I have friends and family but when it comes to getting up in the morning and going to sleep at night, it is only me now and I really hate it. 
She made me laugh, caused me stress and let me love completely.  She gave me a life that I am missing in my soul.  I know that she was only a cat but she was also my quiet supporter who didn't question me when I made the decision to take care of Reese and enjoyed the amount of time I have spent reading as I work towards getting my masters.
My heart is hurting like it never has before.  I can only hope that it will get easier every day and that my memories with her will never fade.

My little one

I just made one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.

 

I know that she knows that I love her and did the very best I could.

She needed a mother and I needed to mother something.  She was with me through the rollercoaster.  There are many things that I will miss.  This is going to be a hard week.

Little Old Lady

I am not a very big fan of this week but I am of my little old lady.

It's beginning to look a lot like...

Christmas!

My new advent calendar!

Gracie likes cuddling under the tree!

I love coming home with the outside lights on!

 I went with the Wazny family to the Rosson House to visit Santa.  It was a beautiful day that included a train ride and a bouncy house.  We finished up with a picnic in the grass by the Science Center.  It was fun to tag along on a holiday family day.

I have been making a lot of presents while finishing up my semester.  I just found out that I got an A in my really hard class this semester!  I have a final to write tomorrow so hopefully I can get motivated.  I have been lacking school motivation - I feel like the semester already ended though it hasn't yet. 

Last weekend, I also went to the opening night production of A Christmas Carol by the Actors Theater at the Herberger Theater.  It was an amazing performance and it is the last year that they will be doing this production so I was very lucky to go.  It was a musical and very well done.  I loved the costumes!

I went to see the new Harry Potter last weekend.  It was so good!  I wish I would have had someone to go with so we could have talked about it.  They do such a good job on those movies.  I cannot wait for the next one to come out.

Most importantly, I became an aunt for the second time on Thursday this week.  Sophia Hazel was born at 3:54pm on December 9th, 20 inches long, 7 pounds 3 ounces.  She has black hair and the cutest double chin!  I was a wreck all day Thursday worrying about her and Adrienne but she is healthy as can be and practically perfect in every way.  I love technology because I was able to video chat with Age in the hospital and see Sophia.  I cannot wait to meet her in person in just a week and a half!

Speaking of Sophia, I need to get working on some of her Christmas presents!

October mash-up

With the job change at work and the stress involved with that, I have been spending a lot of time in the comfort of my home (mostly stress sleeping).

I have been busy making batches and batches of homemade applesauce and I would like to quote Katherine here, "Aunt Lindsey makes the best applesauce in the world."  I can't really take the credit - it is Kate Gosselin's recipe... please commence the judging now.  It is simple and very good so I'll take that judgement!  I also made apple butter last week (that recipe thanks to Amy Butler - i love her books).  It turned out really good as well - I love the fall and my house smelling like apples!

puzzle started...

... and finished, mostly while talking to my sister on the phone! 

I just purchased another puzzle to work on while watching Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, just like in Kentucky. 

I went to Changing Hands Bookstore to see Vicki Myron, the Iowa Librarian who had Dewey, the library cat.  I loved her first book and she just came out with another.  I think it is called something about the nine lives of Dewey.  It is nine other cat stories and speaking of...

I am on a mission to get Gracie and I on the same page about living together.  I found a wonderful vet's office called Scaredy Cat Hospital in Scottsdale and the staff have been wonderful.  We did some expensive blood work and ruled out diseases that Gracie might have and did antibiotics.  Now we are working on some supplements in her food and putting medication on her bottom and keeping her from getting to that area... which means a different version of an e-collar.  She has been pretty good.  Cross your fingers for me!

The public library book sale was this month and thankfully I did not lose control like I normally do.  I went for the friend's only night on Friday and was sad that Sandra was not here to go with me.  I came home with mostly books for Reese, surprise, surprise.  Amy, Charlotte and I went on half-price Sunday and picked up some other treasures.  Char was having a good time reading the AZ Gun Owners Guide... ugh!

Pumpkins!  Amy's family was in town so I tagged along with their fun.  She also had a Halloween Party on Saturday which was super cute with all the kids from the neighborhood.  I had two pumpkins this year and loved their spooky faces.  They didn't last very long because it is still in the upper 80s here... really November 6th with a forecast of 90 degrees.

Most of my time has been spent right here... school, school, and more school.  I am feeling a lack of motivation this semester which I hope changes soon because I have some pretty large projects coming up in the next couple of weeks.  Ugh, wish me luck.  Only making it through this semester then three more classes and an internship and I will have my master's degree!

My Library

 The Lemon Art Research Library at Phoenix Art Museum

My office... with a window and door!  I am still cleaning it out but it is definitely starting to feel like my own.  I was very stressed last weekend about starting in the Library, but after being there for a week, I am much more comfortable than I realized.  I am always amazed at how much I have already learned in school and can apply.  I counted today and realized that I am managing twenty docents and volunteers who make the Library run.  The place really couldn't function without them.  They are all very welcoming and I am looking forward to working with them.

The view from the back hallway looking towards the front.



The reading room and the Astaire Fashion Library

And the stacks - the library houses about 50,000 volumes!

I am very excited about my new position and feel like after this job, I will be able to work in any library.  I can't wait to show it off when I have visitors next :)

I also won tickets to see The Color Purple at the Orphium Theatre this weekend! 

Trick or Treat Bag for Reese

I decided on a whim in the middle of a trip to JoAnn's last month to make a trick or treat bag for Reese.  I don't know how it happened but it is already October, so I decided that I needed to get my bottom in gear.  Of course, I had a vision and thankfully I have Amy to help me make it a reality.  She helped with ideas, vocabulary ("you know, block letters" "applique?"), supplies (fabric, glow-in-the-dark ric-rac, ribbon) and talking me through the details.  She promised that I would have this done by Mad Men and sure enough, I put on my list stitches five minutes before Mad Men started!  Here is the process...

And the finished project...

the font

the back

stripes inside...

My wonderful friend, Maria, sent me a package to celebrate my new job!  It contained this bag and package of postcards.  I laughed out loud when I saw them!

Thank you, Maria!