Life goes on

Warning: this might cause tears, I know it did when I wrote it.
I put my cat, Gracie to sleep yesterday morning and it has been much harder than I ever expected it to be.  It is really hard for me to accept the fact that life is supposed to go on without her here.  All of my daily routines either involved her or she was there for.  I am having a hard time being in my house without her there and at this point cannot imagine a weekend of reading and doing schoolwork without her on my bed next to me.  I printed readings today and just kept thinking but how am I supposed to sit on my bed and read these without her there with me. 
Gracie had her fair share of problems.  I only had her in my life for three years and she had numerous vet visits and surgery during this time.  She was my million dollar baby and had many accidents outside of her littler box.  But she was there with me everyday for the past three years.  Her face or butt were usually the first thing I saw in the morning and the last thing I saw at night.  She always came in to get pet while I used the bathroom and she was always there when I opened the shower curtain waiting for her turn to get in when I was done.  She was at my backdoor when I came home from work and she was on the couch next to me every night.  I am having a hard time being at home because I expect her to be there everywhere I look and I hope to see her.  I had the realization today that I will never see her again and I couldn't keep it together. 
I feel like I don't have a reason to go home any more and it was comforting that when I made decisions I made them for two.  Whether it was if I was going to go out after work or stop home or when I was going to pick up food and litter, I feel like she was always a part of my decision making.  I hate the idea of having to make decisions for only myself. 
In the end she had kidney disease on top of her already hurt bottom.  She had lost a lot of weight and was down to around 5lbs.  She was skin and bones but I had a hard time seeing it.  I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for having to make the decision to put her to sleep.  I have never been completely and solely in charge of a living thing before and I really wish I would have been able to push this decision off on someone else.  The people that knew her and me have completely supported my decision but the guilt is heavy and hard to bear. 
I just keep thinking of when I first got here and I just kept looking over and thinking "it is you and me."  The knowledge that I wasn't alone in this world made the past three years much easier.  I have not been in a relationship in the past three years nor have I had much stability.  She was there as my reminder that I was not completely alone and she needed me to keep it together.  Now I just keep wondering how I am going to go on alone.  I know that I have friends and family but when it comes to getting up in the morning and going to sleep at night, it is only me now and I really hate it. 
She made me laugh, caused me stress and let me love completely.  She gave me a life that I am missing in my soul.  I know that she was only a cat but she was also my quiet supporter who didn't question me when I made the decision to take care of Reese and enjoyed the amount of time I have spent reading as I work towards getting my masters.
My heart is hurting like it never has before.  I can only hope that it will get easier every day and that my memories with her will never fade.